Dick in a Box: Penis-themed gifts for everyone on your list
Looking to deck the halls with balls? We got you covered!
Tired of giving (and getting) that same old peach-scented Christmas candle that makes the rounds like a sad, unwanted dick every holiday season?
What are your plans for Secret Santa? Or Aunt Edna? Or that person who “already has everything” except . . . a whimsical collection of handcrafted penis gifts via Etsy?
Presenting the world’s schlongest gift guide ever
We’re here for you with gift ideas that are sure to shake things up and/or have everyone questioning whether to include you in next year’s festivities.
For the penis readers
“Men always carry their penis with them, but they do not know it as well as they think” says the intro to Member’s Club: A User’s Guide to the Penis by Dr. Piet Hoebeke ($14 from Bloomsbury Publishing). Dr. Hoebeke offers a healthy take on dong science and culture, including in-depth sections on foreskin, dreaded zippers and worried mothers.
Where’s Little Penis? Did he get a woody in the morning? Does he shrink and feel small in the big big ocean? The Little Penis: A Finger Puppet Parody Book: Watch the Little Penis Grow ($9.99 at Barnes and Noble) is not for children (HarperCollins is very firm on this!) so maybe this is a better one to give to your boss instead.
If you have a loved one struggling with OMG (Oversized Male Genitalia), How to Live with a Huge Penis ($12.99 from Penguin Random House) is full of advice, meditations, prayers, poetry, a daily affirmations journal, and thoughtful quotations from leading self-help experts.
Stuff that stocking with these tiny delights:
Not everyone wants to go balls-out at the holidays, so here are some gift ideas for those friends and family who might prefer you keep your junk safely tucked inside a bulging stocking.
Imagine the look on your prim sister’s face when she unearths this life-like micro-peen tube (ridges and all) of Merry Dickmas Penis Lipstick ($11.99 at Amazon). It comes in twelve different colors, too!
You know the getting is good when the product description reads *ALL PRODUCTS ARE FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY*, which is smart, because who wants a hoo-ha that smells like eucalyptus, mint or vanilla? These Santa Naughty Shaped Soaps (4.5 inch for $9.99 or upgrade to 5.75 inches for $14.99 on Etsy) promise, “getting clean never felt so dirty.”
Perhaps the best part about these Funny Penis Christmas ornaments ($11.39 on Etsy) isn’t that they’re topped with a shiny red bow (perfect for anyone who can’t find their balls) but they’re also unbreakable, which means less cleaning up after the cat starts swatting at them.
Long story, but we met a bartender last fall in a small town in Washington State where they have a meat draw every Thursday night, and she kept these adorable 1-inch Crystal Penises ($2.80 on Etsy) in her bra for protection (if you’d been to this bar, you’d pack these hard minis, too). Choose from a variety of different stones and make all your witches’ wishes come true.
Dick decor & more:
Eight nights of dicksgiving, ready to assemble and sent anonymously with a “fondle with care” sticker, the Dick Menorah ($19.99 at ShipADick) promises to rock the dreidel of love.
Perfect for hardcore cottage core groupies, the Floral Penis Coffee Mug ($13.30 at LookHuman) is so good, grandma may not even spot these frilly phalli without her readers. Also comes in pink!
Cha-cha-cha chia peena! The Pube Pet Sprouting Penis Planter ($28.99 at PubePet.com) is just the thing your niece needs in the window of her first apartment.
Napkins, tablecloths, pillows, scarves— everyone appreciates a handmade gift, so get out that sewing machine and choose from a variety of Penis Fabrics (prices vary at Spoonflower) and craft thoughtful heirlooms your family will cherish forever.
Gourmands who own every kitchen gadget from meat slicers to melon ballers, most certainly do not have a set of Penis Cheese Knives ($38.26 on Etsy) or a cozy Penis potholder ($17.90 on Etsy). But what to get your neighbor for their annual holiday gathering except a beautiful hand-carved Suar Wood Bottle Opener (prices start at $11.93, also on Etsy)? Tired of hosting or want to get everyone out of the kitchen and engage in an activity? This DIY Vasectomy Kit ($7.15 on Amazon) should do the trick!
For au naturel naturalists and pervy mushroom lovers:
If you read our last post, you may have learned more than you ever wanted to know about mushroom sex and out-there penis conspiracy theories, but remember, we’re here to help you with all kinds of conversation-starters at your holiday gatherings!
To start, wouldn’t it be cute if the entire family had matching stickers on their water bottles and laptops? Choose from the Funny mushroom sticker ($6.99 on Amazon), a set of It’s Just a Mushroom You Pervert ($12 on Etsy) or a Mushroom Cute Penis Vintage Pattern sticker ($4.11 on RedBubble).
Yard art is always a great choice for nature lovers. Consider the hand sculpted Circumsnail ($69 on Etsy), or the impressive Cement Penis Garden Statue ($103 at ThisIsWhyImBroke), or for a cozy inside vibe, a 2025 Nature’s Dick Pics Calendar ($19.99 - proceeds support prostate cancer!) or an original piece of phallic flower art (prices vary, on Redbubble).
Finally, the best part about this adorable crochet Super Mushroom Hat ($29.00 via Etsy) might be the customer photos (see below).
Annnnd, that’s a wrap!
Thanks, Matt, and Merry Dickmas, everyone!
Wishing you and yours a very peenful holiday season,
Allison & Kristine
Gift guides are hard work and you guys really stuck the landing with the vasectomy kit! You gave me a lot of inspo here of what not to buy. ❤️
Few gift guides hit the mark like the DikGift guide. Other gift guides are full of useless items like mugs that say "Best Cat Mom Ever" or alpaca mittens. But the penis planter? Now there's a gift that keeps on giving!