How Big Is Your Horn of Plenty?
This Thanksgiving, dare to ask questions everyone wishes they had the balls to
Watching the Martha Stewart documentary has made me thankful we are long past the era of competitive entertaining and culinary dick-wagging (or is that just me?). As if it really mattered whose ham was bigger or who took the time to cover their turkey amputees with tiny chef hats. Why were we all so busy trying to hide our ugly bits?
I don’t know about you, but my Thanksgiving ritual has devolved into playing pass the Costco carcasses, where we all just sit around in our sweats and take turns gnawing off the bird.
I usually spend Thanksgiving with friends, but occasionally am dragged to an affair with people I only see once a year, with whom I have little in common, and for whom, out of sheer social decency, I am forced to put on a bra. For these sorts of social situations, I have some pointers, both to facilitate less awkward conversations or to hasten a speedy exit.
Let’s start with some basic conversation starters:
How are you? This may not get you far, but it’s always a solid opener. Just hope everyone abides the social contract and doesn’t answer honestly. It’s not an invitation to unpack your #firsttrauma or unleash a “woke liberal agenda” (which is probably what I will do if someone fucking asks me this question).
Do you like animals? Perfectly innocuous question; incidentally, also great for sussing out serial killers.
Does this mole look cancerous? Now this could go either way. Really depends on where it’s located.
Am I having a hot flash or did I just drink too many G&Ts? Probably best asked after a couple of G&Ts.
Once the Thanksgiving festivities are really bumpin’, you can delve into the deeper questions:
Have many people here have you slept with? Reactions will vary, and you may soon find yourself in a threesome.
Do you know any wealthy, single 90-year-olds, on oxygen, with no next of kin, for whom Viagra is contraindicated? This is just good networking.
Do you have any immediate plans to leave the country, and if so, do you need a traveling nanny/nurse/writer-entertainer? Again, networking, and honestly, isn’t a solid evacuation plan always a good idea?
If I have a stripper pole installed in my home will it affect the resale value? Always good to crowdsource my potential life choices.
Did you hear that Arnold Palmer had a huge dong? This is a great choice when you find yourself in line for a second helping of stuffing next to some dude in a Titleist cap you’re not even sure was invited.
What was the last thing you Googled? For me, it was “penile cutaneous horn.” For research purposes, of course. I started with “cornucopia meaning” and “Zeus” and things got weird from there. Trust me when I say you don’t want to look this up, especially not while eating ham salad.
Did you think Horns of Plenty 2 was as good as the first one? This will surely weed out the priggish partygoers from the people you want to split a gummy with while hiding in the garage. If you’re curious about this gay bareback masterpiece by Kristen Bjorn, who directed such classics as Catchers in the Raw and Trouser Bar, you should definitely give it a watch and report back. You could also start with the “sleep inducing soft-core porn” Horn-a-Plenty (1971) in case you find yourself with guests who need a nap before getting back on the road. Happy Thanksgiving, Gobblers!
Yours in Peen & Green Bean Casserole
Allison & Kristine