Boxers or Briefs?

Take the quiz and tell us what's between you and a clean pair of pants

How many of us knew a dad, hopefully not your own, who was constantly adjusting his junk? For me, this dad was actually the dad of my brother’s friend. You couldn’t not notice it. Every few seconds, a hand would dip down and do a little crotch check, or a two-hand dig, and sometimes a full-on excavation. He had very hairy arms, often wore short-sleeved dress shirts and a gold chain, and he looked like a stereotypical low-level mafia operative.

Maybe it was a pubic hair entanglement situation that only the most hirsute men face. Maybe it was a nasty case of crabs or contact dermatitis. Maybe he liked diddling his dong, or maybe he didn’t have the right underwear.

Maybe, it’s just me, but I don’t see nearly as much crotch-grabbing as I used to. Have the fabrics gotten better or are all men powdering their balls? Did the #MeToo movement help crack-down on pocket pool? Is there an underwear technology academy now?

Regardless, the age-old question remains, with a few caveats: Is the boxer-brief superior to the boxer? What about briefs, a.k.a. tighty-whiteys or “manties” — does anyone over the age of 12 wear these? Boxers versus briefs used to be a standard question you could ask the boys when you wanted to let them know you were risqué but still demure.

A bit of boxer history

Men’s boxer shorts originated from the drapey shorts boxers used to wear — first marketed by Everlast in 1925. I guess men thought it would be cool to feel like a badass boxer under their boring work attire? Except they provide zero support. There’s no logic to it, but hey, it’s a classic look and the heart wants what it wants, and I find myself attracted to assless men in saggy britches.

Briefs were invented in 1935 by the company now known as Jockey. These were much more popular, probably because they were so similar to the already familiar jockstrap, with more support and less breeze. When a man says he wears briefs, my mind goes straight to Underoos.

The low stakes debate over the best way to hide the family jewels raged for over 50 years. Maybe the corporate spies selling boxer shorts funded this study, but briefs briefly got a bad rap for boiling men’s balls and potentially killing off their future spawn. Frankly, I’m surprised we didn’t legislate that shit, ban briefs and get back to organic loincloths for the sake of Jesus and breeding and world domination.

Boxers also gained popularity thanks to a 1985 Levi’s ad and our puritanical insistence on hiding any hint of a bulge. Apparently, the producers wanted to use BVDs but the National Advertising Board woudn’t allow it.

In the early 90s, Calvin Klein put boxer briefs on the map with their “huge” ad campaign featuring Marky Mark Wahlberg and his 10x10 crotch rocket. That seemed to put an end to the debate, because most men I know wear boxer briefs. It’s the best of both worlds: the support of a brief without a circulation-stifling rubber band around your crotch crease.

Boxers vs. briefs vs. . . ?

Recently, I took an informal poll of mostly gay men (we all know they have a superior aesthetic sense), and 9 out of 12 said unequivocally, boxer briefs. One man said briefs, and I’m still having trouble deleting that image from my hard drive. He said it’s because his legs are too skinny for boxer briefs. Two men said they alternated between boxers and boxer briefs. One man said he prefers Tommy John underwear, but his dress shirts ride up when he wears those for work. The cotton on cotton you get with the dress shirt + cotton boxers combo keeps everything nicely in place. Boxers, I have concluded, are for men who want to freeball but don’t enjoy doing laundry. File that under: dudes I’m attracted to against my better judgment.

Now, your turn!

Ladies, before you feel left out, check out this recent Levi’s commercial hearkening back to the OG 1985 one. I must say, Queen Bey is rocking those tighty-whiteys better than any man ever has.

Please feel free to share your deepest thoughts and strong opinions on all-things underpants and y’all can battle this one out in the comments.

Yours in peen and matching G-strings,

Allison & Kristine