Swing States: Do You Dress Left or Right?

The Case of Jon Hamm's Third Leg

Actual footage of his footlong

Now that we’re all suspiciously side-eyeing each other, trying to figure out who, among our neighbors, might secretly lean left or right, perhaps we should look at some “hard” numbers.

According to this highly authoritative style site dedicated to helping men look hot even when they’re butt ugly:   

75% of men hang left. 17% hang right. 8% hang straight.

And why does this matter? Well, it probably doesn’t anymore, but back in the day, before Covid and Casual Friday and soft pants, some men had their suits tailored, and the tailor would ask:

Do you dress left or right?

The question isn’t about sewing peenie pockets in pants, but how best to navigate the dick graze with sustained eye contact in a 3-way (mirror — get your minds out of the gutter, people!) while the tailor measures the gentleman’s inseam.  

Sac suits for your sack

No discussion of men’s genitalia is complete without addressing the central question of proportions. I was surprised to learn that 75% of men have a dick that’s up to 5.9 inches long, which does not square with my underfunded study based on a sample size of six, no—wait—seven men, but hey, this is from a site for men, by men, so we might have to account for inflation (urologists: amirite?).

Does length have anything to do with direction?

The article goes on to explain that [t]he only theory we could determine was that shorter lengths hang straight, while longer dongs lean either right or left. 

What I do know, based on careful forensic study of photographic evidence, is that Jon Hamm dresses right. You’ve seen the photos – included here for reference and further study – and that’s not his pet anaconda. He clearly has the meats. His penis has made so many public appearances, it has its own Tumblr page: Jon Hamm’s Wang.

Do they just not make underwear in his size? What kind of fabric shows that level of detail? Is he a show-er not a grower?

According to the New York Post, the show runners on Mad Men had to have a little chat with him about his member, because the style of men’s pants in the 1960s was slim cut, and well, you need some 80s-era big box pleats to accommodate that mass.

Why Do Most Men Hang To The Left?

Apparently, the left testicle hangs lower on most men – I guess this is because you cannot have two ball sacks fighting for room on the same horizontal plane. This way the right can nestle into the side of the left like a litter of kittens, right? I haven’t had nuts in my face since I chowed down on last Thanksgiving’s pecan pie, but from what I recall, they look like lychee nuts, a fruit I’ve avoided since I broke up with the boyfriend who was always letting his hang out.

Come on . . .

Here’s another trippy factoid on testicular engineering: the left testicle hangs lower in right-handed men, and the right hangs lower in left-handed men. I really don’t understand the purpose of this. Is it easier to fold up your lower ball with your non-dominant hand while your dominant hand wrestles with the pants positioning? Biology is weird.

And what about testicular politics?

Jon Hamm is, in fact, a lefty, which makes me love him even more. He’s got the balls to make fun of himself, often as himself, in myriad cameos.

Also, in between his various roles playing massive assholes in Fargo and The Morning Show, the native Missourian found time to narrate campaign ads for Lucas Kunce, the state’s Democratic challenger, who sadly lost to Josh Hawley, the Senator who fled the White House with his Trapper Keeper on January 6^th, who is also the author of Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs, a real page-turner on how to be a man and live a full life with a very small penis.

And speaking of Swing States, did you know that Missouri is nicknamed the “Show Me State”? Apparently, a motto Jon Hamm lives by, and we thank him for it.

Thanks for reading and remember: whether you swing right or left, underwear is always optional.

Yours in Peen,

Allison & Kristine