It Takes Balls
The Dong Show vs. The Mariners
Greetings, Earthlings!
Kristine and I are back from MARS (a multidisciplinary arts and residency program in Mineral, WA) where we were honored to make complete fools of ourselves hosting THE DONG SHOW at Headquarters Tavern, the one and only bar in town.
Contrary to what you may believe, not everyone wants to be a star. In spite of our incessant talent scouting and relentless marketing tactics, we only had two confirmed contestants by showtime. Three, if you count Skeeter The Cat, who’d been showing off his acrobatic acts all week.
Luckily, Headquarters was pretty full when we arrived. We asked folks if they had their talents ready, and in what order would they like to perform.
No takers. We were kindly asked to move out of the way so they could go back to watching the game.
What game?
Apparently the Mariners are in the playoffs, the first time in 25 years.
How did we not know this? Oh, right. Writers and artists off the grid for a week. Not a TV or newspaper in sight. Team Dong went in for a huddle. Should we just call it, give ourselves an E for effort and go back to our rooms and read sonnets?
But what about our amazing prizes?
I suggested we just fake it and pretend we had a real show. Kristine responded that perhaps that was the gin and tonic talking. Nevertheless, during the next commercial break we got things rolling.
First up, contestant number one: the Human Skeeter.
Contestant number two: Carolyn and The Amazing Thunder Gourd.
Other acts included twirling and dancing; live confessionals and singing, a reenactment of ‘Sweatin’ to the Oldies’, and even a dog who showed off his lack of obedience skills.
Before we knew it, The Dong Show had knocked it out of the park and The Mariners had lost to The Tigers. Our “fake” performances had turned into a real, live show. We even had a team of judges!
Or maybe we’d just imagined that?
Yours in dongs to the gongs, balls to the walls and peens on the scene,
Allison & Kristine
 | A guest post by
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I am so thrilled that I was able to witness the magic in person even if I realized I have no demonstrable skills.