Bored and Horny
Why do dudes put things in their pee pee holes?
Bored is bad. Bored and horny is the stuff of E.R. urban legend (aka “borny” - yep, get your gear on Etsy). How many dudes have felt the tingle of a cool breeze tickling their pubes on a sleepy Sunday afternoon, looked over at the vacuum cleaner, and thought, I wonder what would happen if . . ?
Apparently, so many that there’s a FUCKING medical journal article on the topic. How do I know this? Because when, out of curiosity, I typed “penile injuries” on Google, it was the first suggested search phrase.
I recently asked my dad, a retired urologist, if he’d ever encountered this, and oddly, the answer was no.
My dad is not older than the invention of the vacuum cleaner, but he probably retired before the advent of fancy new ones with more hoses and attachments than someone on life support. It’s like a horny dude invented the vacuum wand for multi-purpose use, kinda like the “massage gun” at Sharper Image—which is not just for your back.
I’m trying to imagine a young man, let’s call him Kyle, vacuuming the beige carpet because he spilled Cheetos dust all over it. Kyle notices the powerful suction, how fast those orange particles get sucked into the void, and the thought crosses his mind . . . I wonder what that feels like. “What it feels like,” or so I imagine, would be step 1 of the taxidermy process, skinned like freshly slain deer. Ouchie.
The dick is a toy, so the journey to manhood is all about learning to play with it. Hmmm, let’s see what happens if I put this in my pee pee hole! Sewing needles, necklaces, small magnets. Even eating utensils, like this geriatric fellow in Australia, who maybe polished off a TV dinner while watching his favorite American show (MacGyver?) looked at his fork and thought, I wonder what would happen if. . . ?
No surprise, twelve hours later he was in the E.R. with medics removing the fork via forceps and “copious lubrication.” Was this all part of the plan? Did he get to keep the fork?
As reported in The Independent, doctors writing in the International Journal of Surgery Case Report state, “Autoerotic stimulation with the aid of self-inserted urethral foreign bodies has been existent since time immemorial and have presented an unusual but known presentation to urologists." Better known in the parlance of fetishists as sounding. And here I naively thought these were just random accidents. As in, “Oops, hon, I fell on my salad fork.” This is why the dark web scares me. There are things I really don’t want to know.
What else have ingenious peens absorbed in the name of getting off? The “variety of foreign bodies that are inserted to the genitourinary tract defies imagination,” states this urology case report. “These include objects such as fish hooks, metal roads, hairpins, screws, pellets, wires, wooden sticks, piece of fish, and telephone cables.” You can also find a lot of articles, like this one, about teenagers sticking USB cords up their urethras. A man (proving stupid dick tricks aren’t just for kids!) ended up with this cord in his bladder. Was he looking for a way to keep his phone charged in his front pocket?
My dad once had a patient who stuck a birthday candle up his urethra. He was alone in a hotel room in Birmingham, Alabama, on a work trip. Probably watching bad hotel porn: Nuts & Butts: Part VI?
Did my dad’s patient procure the candle specifically for this little excursion, or was it something he found in his suitcase or the odds and ends drawer and thought – hmmm, could this fit this up my peehole? This kind of male logic defies logic for me: why must every question be answered? The candle got lodged inside after he masturbated and lost his erection. Did he think it might shoot out like a cannon? When the urology residents tried to extract the candle (which had started melting in the reservoir of hot pee) it broke off into his bladder. My dad was on call and had to go in and help extract the remnants.
This is a gross generalization with shades of sexism, but it seems to me that men are curious about things - taking them apart; seeing how they work, whereas women tend to be more curious about human behavior and social dynamics. So, it makes sense that more dudes would stick random shit up their dongs than ladies shove up their hoo-has, although my dad also breezily threw out a story recently that I’d never heard before of a woman who had a metal tin of cold cream shoved up there full of drugs. She’d forgotten all about it. But hey - that’s what I call maximizing your storage space. Women always be thinking about practical shit.
Have you ever, or do you know someone who has, shoved something up a sex part and lived to tell about it? The Dick Sisters need to know!
Yours in peen and vacuuming,
Allison & Kristine
I can't unsee that x-ray. Thanks for that.
Who knew?! Can't believe guys will stick most anything up in there.